Outcast.

I don't want to make it seem like I never had a father figure in my life. As a child, my younger sisters father took me in. He was my dad. Growing up he would come pick BOTH of us up for holidays, school clothes shopping for BOTH of us, and we BOTH received gifts from him for Christmas. Everyone in the family took me in as if we all had the same blood running through our veins. Although I haven't seen them in a while, they are still my family. I will never forget how excited I was for Christmas and summer breaks. My sister and I always counted down the days until OUR daddy was coming to get us. 

When I was eleven, my momma sent my sister and I to live with OUR daddy. I'm not over exaggerating when I say, that was THE WORST year of my life. It was like I saw an entirely different side of him. To me, he went from OUR daddy, to Lisa's (my sister) daddy. There were things that he would do for my sister that he wouldn't do for me. That year, I really had to grow up. I learned to braid so that I could make sure my sisters hair was always done, because he wasn't concerned what our hair looked like. Thanks to my cousin we had food in our stomachs before we went to bed each night. There came a point when, if I received money from my momma, uncles or aunties, I was using it to buy food and snacks so that we could eat. Yes, the struggle was real.

Along with the fact that I didn't really get along with my aunt (who's house we all lived in) the worst part about that year was when my 12th birthday came around. Now, anyone that KNOWS me, knows I DO NOT like chocolate. For my birthday, I received a chocolate cake. I didn't complain, but I didn't eat it either.

When that year was over, I was never so excited to see my momma. I vowed to NEVER step foot in that house again, and I didn't. My sisters daddy would come and get her for hoildays, as usual, but I was sticking to my word. I finally made the decision to go back and visit my extended family when I was 18. The only reason I did go back to visit was for my Nanny (sisters grandmother). She called, and asked me why I wasn't coming to the family reunion, even though she already knew. "You can't make me pay for what somebody else did." When she spoke those words to me, I knew I had to swallow my pride and take that trip. 

I LOVE the my sisters family, always have and I always will. I love OUR daddy. He didn't have to take me in and treat me like one of his own for as long as he did, and because he did I'm very thankful. Buuuut I also feel like, if you stepped up and took on such a great responsibility, why would you flip the script on me when I needed you the most? I can't deny the fact that for a year I felt like an outcast by OUR daddy. 

I'm Just Being Honest.

There are a lot of things I wish I could have had growing up. Mainly a relationship with my father.
I don't think people from both parent households truly understand how the absences of a parent can really affect a child. Whether it's short term, long term or lifetime, a girl growing up without her father does cause short term, and/or long term issues.

Nothing hurts more than when you actually want to have that relationship but that feeling is unrequited. 

Growing up, (and sometimes now) I often wondered, "WHY?" Why was he always telling me, "I'm going to take you to the movies this weekend" The weekend comes around, and I'm dressed and ready for my father to come AROUND THE CORNER and pick me up. WHY, out of a thousand basketball games that I played in, he only came to ONE? WHY? WHY? WHY? I've never gotten my answers, and I don't think I ever will.

Thinking back on it, I don't recall being sad about my fathers absence, because my momma was always their to pick up the pieces. She always knew what to do or say, but sometimes I felt like she was making excuses for him. In middle school, I found out what child support was, and I couldn't understand why my momma wasn't MAKING my father pay her. I was his child too, and I felt like he needed to pay her for taking care of me by herself. She never did. I remember thinking to myself, "how dumb can she be?" She had the power to MAKE him pay, I wanted her to MAKE him pay for not coming to my games, for not calling me on my birthday's, for not being there. Its not like he has 3 kids, I am the ONLY one. She never did. 

When I got to high school, I remember my momma saying, how she couldn't MAKE a man take care of his responsibilities, but she can and she did take care of hers. She would always talk about how time consuming going to court was, when she could be at work. I also learned that she WAS indeed, cussing my father out all those years. She just made sure I wasn't around to witness it. From then on, the amount of respect I had for my momma increased immensely. From then on, I wanted to do everything I could to make her job, as a single mother simpler. I strived to get the best grades, to stay out of trouble, and to help out around the house as much as possible.

I wish I knew the words to say, or the steps to take to "get over it".  My advice is to LOVE him, and DON'T blame yourself for their absences. Nine times out of ten, it honestly has nothing to do with YOU. God removed him from your life for a reason. Whatever they have or had going on in THEIR lives, may not have been what you needed to be exposed to. 

RELAX. RELATE. RELEASE.

RELAX. My purpose is NOT to bash absent fathers.

My hopes are that, through my post, other females that can RELATE, will see that it IS okay to be angry and hurt, but learn not let those emotions consume you. RELEASE.

I would also like to hear from other women with absent fathers. Those who are interested in submitting a post, contact me. I really believe that we can all learn and grow from the experiences of other in similar situations. 

My goal is that our stories help each other, and women like us, continue/start our journey to on releasing emotions that only hurt us.

Let's grow together!